I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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