So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
my being single is dangerous.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
