i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
