god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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