Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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