I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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