An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
