That's when you crack a 10am beer
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
