The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
