I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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