he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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