I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
