dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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