Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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