I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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