wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
