I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
