I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
