Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
