What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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