Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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