Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
