So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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