I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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