i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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