recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
