my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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