Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
