apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
