I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
