Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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