can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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