just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
