Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
