Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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