If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
