So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Randomize
