Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
NoShamevember. You game?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
false alarm, still single
Dear god my vagina.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
