Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
