think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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