1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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