Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
