Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
