I am in a vortex of obligation.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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