Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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