i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
