How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
