I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
