so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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