Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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