i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
